You Weren't Raptured Either?

4 Oarsmen of the Epoxy Lips
Either the "End Times" didn't materialize or you're one of the 200 million rapturees reading this from God's 'hood. I've been calling some of my friends to see if they've been lifted to the holy realm, but all except for one has answered the phone, and I don't think AT&T offers service up in heaven. Maybe when 5G rolls out...

My wife and I went rowing this morning and noticed that many of the shells and oars in our boathouse were missing! Raptured?!?

Oh, right, many of our masters were racing at the Goldrush regatta in Sacramento, California and the juniors were off competing at the Northwest Juniors regionals in Vancouver, Washington. Or so they said, anyway. Maybe they all hightailed it to Oakland to be at the FamilyRadio Apocalypse headquarters...

No earthquakes, no swords, no horsemen, no rapture. What's up with that? George Takei's proposed headline: "Today's Rapture postponed as Jesus awaits announcement of surprise guest on final Oprah. Savior "hopeful" but "okay with it" if not.."

By the way, if you have no idea what this rapture talk is all about, these two short YouTube videos capture the essence of the most recent doomsday prediction, the followers and the, well, lunacy.

I especially like the idea of buying the possessions of people expecting to be heaven-sent. No use for that Mercedes? I'll take it off your hands.

Uh, yes, a little picnic before the Apocalypse.

Harold Camping's doomsday prediction is allegedly based on biblical mathematics (Differential Geometry, Integral Equations and now Biblical Mathematics, who knew?) and his notion that God is fed up with gay pride. So, assuming that this was a doomsday dud, maybe Camping's math is off or God is OK with gays? Seemingly the latter since Camping spent a lot of time refining the math from this earlier prediction (1994).

Camping came up with his prediction using a calculation that started with the supposed the year of the Great Flood, 4990 BC, added 7,000 years because, in the Bible, God "reminds us that one day is as 1,000 years," and then subtracted one because of a glitch when passing from the Old to the New Testament calendars. (source)

My lone missing friend (the only one not to answer the phone) is probably on a "Rapture Run," some 100-kilometer race somewhere. I hope he ascends with the best of them and descends equally fast.


Slowman said...

Mr. Scullduggery,

Just because you didn't have a great rapture joke doesn't mean the end of the world.

Looks like the geometry was wrong. New date is in October.

T's Bees said...

Good thing that my lack of a great rapture joke doesn't cause the world to end!

Any possessions of worth you would like to donate between now and then, Slowman? I know, I know, I won't be able to drive your BMW because all the roads will melt, or flood or evaporate, but since it won't do you any good, why not just hand over the title...